I don't know why I placed so much hope into this. More than what I expected I would. More than the limit I set for myself. After all the heartbreaks, I told myself not another. It worked for awhile. Until I started to fall. Deeper and deeper, every day. The insecurities have started setting in.

I feel so... alone.

I don't feel that I'm good for anyone. There's always someone out there who's better. That's why I like to be alone, so that I do not hurt. But being alone, hurts. The numbness and deafening silence kills.

So many mixed signals. I don't know what to do, which route to take. Meeting each other discreetly, denying any form of contact with one another. It feels so restricted. Why do we have to hide. Why did I follow suit. Why did I fall.

Do you say these words to others. Do you act this way to others. Do you treat them the same way as you do to me. Would you make sure they're not sad. Would you be concerned about their health and safety that you would go out of your way to make sure they're alright. Would you keep a lie from them so that they wouldn't have to worry about you.

For the past few days, I have this strange longing of meeting you. But I gave lots of excuses. I had to learn to prioritise. I wouldn't lie to my friends. I wouldn't sacrifice sleep. I won't give my everything to someone again. Not this time.

Normally I'd try to run and I might even want to hide
'Cause I never knew what I wanted 'til I looked into your eyes

9 July, Monday

“I want you to start the new week accepting the fact that sometimes ridiculous things can happen for no reason. But no matter what it is, you always have to know what you stand for. Be it fighting for something or giving your all for another. End of the day, you must be contented with what you have and the decision you’ve made. Goodnight x”- Shafique

No words can explain how much that text meant to me. But the irony lies in what happened in class. I was so motivated to at least try to be happy again. But the same problem seems to constantly revolve around my very existence.

So it was the third week that I had less than 5 hours of sleep each day. My problems too overwhelming, causing me to stay wide awake at night. I was really tired in school. I couldn’t concentrate in class, knowing that the waiting has come to an end.

Left class halfway with Sharifah, Chiewting, Khairil and Yunice. I felt really bad because they said that the facilitator seemed really upset and disappointed with us. It was my second time leaving class halfway and the level of guilt was still the same. Decided to go to Woodlands Civic Centre to sing since CT had some voucher.

10 July, Tuesday

Strategic Thinking Skills Understanding Test 2. Went to Fairmont for my mom’s birthday dinner at Asian Market Cafe

He’s so cute when he’s worried.

11 July, Wednesday

Jun and zq jogged to my area at 12am and told me to look out my window just to wave at me lolol

Decided to fast thanks to the heavy buffet dinner the day before. Skipped school to revise for Hospitality Revenue Management Understanding Test 2 with Khairil, Chiewting and Derek at Scape.

Watched them as they had their late lunch. Then Kaiyi and Alex joined us. Played pool after around 2 years. Then saw this guy with light brown hair at the counter. Hahaha okay it was Zhiqiang. His table was beside ours and he’s so pro, so embarrassing

Khairil, Chiewting, Kaiyi x

Chiewting, Derek x

After around 2 hours of playing pool, we had dinner at Pastamania. I hate Pastamania and kitty is always the one who tells the group my dislike for it but she wasn’t there to do so! Impromptu decision to meet up with Zhiqiang

Stayed there until 9:30pm. I had banana ice-cream with brownie! My favourite. Then he managed to persuade me to play pool with him. He was supposed to teach me but he kept winning. HAHA even when he intentionally fouled during the last game, allowing me to move the white ball, I still missed. So technically, he won 3 out of 3 games.

He sent me home because he refused to take the train and insisted on taking the bus with me. So in return, I accompanied him while waiting for his second bus. (WE ARE NOT TOGETHER. He would do the same for anyone else just as I would.)

12 July, Thursday

So upset about everything. I just feel like crying every single day. So to make myself feel happy, I bought my favourite happy pill. W4 waffle with mint ice-cream.

CAN’T BELIEVE CHIEWTING BOUGHT HELLO PANDA FOR ME!!!!! ^^ I was like the happiest girl on Earth! I have been craving for these little bear-shaped biscuits with chocolate fillings since Monday! Hahaha she kept laughing at me because I seemed so happy when I munched on them.

Slacked with Chiewting at McDonald’s after our Hospitality Revenue Management Understanding Test 2.

13 July, Friday

Went to town with Chiewting, Khairil, Felicia and Derek. Had dinner at McDonald’s then we went to Scape to play pool. I kept losing because I couldn’t seem to concentrate.

BLUE KIDS
Fel, Chiewting, Kaiyi, Derek, Khairil

Kaiyi joined us later and we did dares.

1) Fel and CT ran around town, mimicking the Temple Run game.
2) Khairil and Derek sang to some stranger
3) Fel and I followed people like Twitter but it was kind of a failure.
4) Me, CT, Khairil and Derek sang Glad You Came and Part Of Me to 2 different groups of strangers. Two Caucasian guys and another two local girls. Hahaha it was so funny. At least they thanked us. 

  

Slacked at the Esplanade Outdoor Theatre with Kaiyi, Khairil, Chiewting and Derek. Cabbed home and reached home at around 3am.

We went clubbing ~^^~ not

14 July, Saturday

Woke up at 10am for work. Insufficient sleep is killing me. Worked with the lovely Trixilea. Oh the coffee guys gave us coffee too. He asked what coffee I wanted and I really didn’t what else there was so I said, “The one that Don made that time.” Then he teased me saying that Don was coming later and all. Hehehe and he did. He had a hair cut which was quite funny. I’m always too shy to talk to him.

Khairil and Joreen came to find me. Kaiyi and Liting were supposed to find me too but they said that they couldn’t make it and I thought that they were lying so I was still expecting them to come. Got off work and went to Parkway Parade. Satisfied my craving for Hokkien Mee at Banquet.

After this Joreen shopped around, we met up with Ruiyang at East Coast Park. It was so much fun. The adrenaline rush I got from trying to climb that rock. Zhiqiang was also there but he was cycling with his friends and we were trying to look out for each other but it didn’t work.

Khairil, Joreen, Ruiyang x

Reached home at around 10pm and left the house at around 11pm to meet Limin and Chiewting at Changi Airport. Did crazy stuff and took our first bus home.

15 July, Sunday

Reached home at 7am and knocked out.

Cleaned my room. Jogged for an hour and had sushi for dinner. Productive day.

Wishlist:

1) Police aviators
2) G-Shock watch
3) Jeffrey Campbell heels
4) Timberland boots
5) Horseshoe necklace from Fossil 

16 July, Monday

Went out at like 12am to meet Zhiqiang because we decided to study together. Had to walk to the McDonald's at East Coast Park and by the time we settled down, it was already around 2am. Unproductive studying with this guy.

His cap ~~~

Yakdish. He told me he stopped buying cigarette packs. But when I jokingly told him to smoke to keep himself awake, he eventually did. Watdashit!!! Had Macs breakfast too ^^

Reached home at 5am. Not a surprise but I overslept and had to cab to school. My $32.55. Most expensive cab ride to school ever.

After our Service Quality and Professional Etiquette Understanding Test 2, I slacked with kitty at Macs for awhile.

17 July, Tuesday

Dined at Oliva with Chiewting, Yunice and Shuyi.

Chiken Picatta 

My halal crepe in process!!

YUMMY CREPE ^^
hehe without brandy!

Stayed back for Meeting, Convention and Event Management project.

18 July, Wednesday

Stayed back for the project again. Left once I was done with my part because I had a terrible migraine.

Was supposed to meet Zhiqiang for dinner at like 6pm but we ended up meeting at 8pm. I HATE TO WAIT. Dinner at Everything With Fries. Then we went back to Marble Slab to camwhore hehe.

___
(private blog) I kept holding back my tears. I care a lot for this guy. Not having the similar concern and feelings in return, just sucks. When can I ever mean anything to you.

19 July, Thursday

REALLY BUSY DAY!

1) Breakfast with parents @ 9am

2) Interview at 10am

3) Lunch with mom at The Connoisseur Concerto at Isetan Scotts Shaw House. Really good food. Around $65 for two people hehehe. Bought a Marc by Marc Jacobs laptop case. Ah it's so pretty.

4) Met up with Limin for around 10 minutes at Wheelock. Then I shitted. HEHEHE

5) Went to Tangs to get my bus. IT WAS 1PM AND I WAS ALREADY SO TIRED. First time I ever slept during my bus ride home from town!

6) To the polyclinic to get my queue number.

7) Went home to change.

8) Back to polyclinic where the doctor knew that I was feigning my illness and I got really scared that I almost peed in my panties.

9) To Orchard to meet up with Derek, Fel, Khai and CT. Went to POMO to play pool.

10) Walked to Orchard Central for Cold Stone Creamery and slacked there.

11) Fel went home and the rest of us walked to Orchard Ion to slack. Reached home at around 11pm+.

20 July, Friday

Slacked with Derek and CT in school after lessons and ended up being behind schedule. Met up with Gen and Trix and headed down to Strictly Pancakes where Iris joined us. Slacked from 9pm to 11pm and then we decided to have Rocher tau huey. Managed to get my last bus home!

Iris x

Gen x

Gen x Trix x Iris

21 July, Saturday

Dragged myself to work.

Today

- Complete report

- Online shop

- Clean room if possible

2 July, Monday
Omg Andrea forgot to spray the waffle machine with oil and when I came, so J and herself were saying that they couldn't open up the waffle machine hahahaha

Asnita came at around 8pm and hung out with her until around 11pm and we updated each other about our livesxz

3 July, Tuesday

Service Quality and Professional Etiquette excursion to Vivocity! Only the group who gave the most points for the worksheet would get an A and our team got it!

Banana Buzz

I got my Boost juice as well! Shopped around and only got a Zara top. Everything else sucked

4 July, Wednesday
After Resort and Cruise Management, me, Engteck and Evelyn met up with Khairil, Derek and Chiewting at Causeway Point! We had dinner at Food Republic where the food was so expensive and Derek finished up the water that I bought.

Watched Amazing Spiderman with them!!! Then slacked at the train station with Evelyn, Khairil and Chiewting! Took some webcam pictures but I lost them all.

5 July, Thursday
Went to Expo again for Meeting, Conventions and Exhibitions module.

Evelyn Soh

QT: We're under a tree!

FUGZ

Engteck, Fel, Qiaotian, Chiewting x

Then we went back to school. Discussed about the Understanding Test 2 project. Karaoke with Evelyn, Khairil and Chiewting until around 8pm and then we headed down to Woodlands Waterfront to slack at the playground.

Omg like small kid

Blackforest Cheesecake from Bakerzin

Happy Birthday Mama  ♡♡♡ Can't believe I was the main planner and contributor for getting her an iPad for her birthday and my name was the last on the card omg.

6 July, Friday
Skipped school and met up with Trixilea to get our MC! Then rushed off to Clementi to meet Limin for facial! First time we ever talked while the staff were in the process of attending to our faces. Had tauhuey with her for a short while. Rushed back home and met up with Gen and Trix at work.

Dinner at CrazyWorld Cafe which was at Chinatown!

7 July, Saturday
Watched Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter with my dad. IT WAS GOOD!!! Okay the show ended at around 11:50pm and I rushed home to change and met up with Jun, Hanbin, Zhiqiang and Jeremie at Spize at Simpang Bedok.

Today
Had supper with them until around 3:30am

So this Zhiqiang complained that I'm always the one falling asleep first so this time I waited until he slept, which was around 6am. Oh God why is this guy the cause of my lack of sleep.

Met up with Chiewting at Novena at 2:30pm. Went to Fel's workplace to have ice-cream. Derek joined later. Opened up to them. It was a great risk I took, trusting them.

Went to Bishan and Chiewting and I jogged around Bishan while Fel and Derek walked around Junction 8. Jogged for around 40 minutes. Really disappointed with myself for stopping. Felt really nauseous and started tasting blood in my mouth. However I did manage to jog towards the end!

Once we reached, Chiewting and I met up with Derek and Fel and we bought water and fruits hehehe. Walked around to cool ourselves down. Dinner at Ambush at Junction 8.

My salad

"The most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never explained."- @ctchiewyy