I haven't found a replacement job and I'm going to quit working at the slab probably by the end of this month. How am I supposed to fund for myself.

Every day, I am overwhelmed with shame for not doing what I have to do. I have to live every passing day with fear of those who are aware of it. It's like there's so much pressure between what people want me to do and what I don't want to have to do!!!!!!!! I don't want to have to take the risk of being judged by telling another soul about it

This is why I travel; to get away from everything and everyone that screws with me. Now that I can't, I stay cooped up at home feeling sorry for myself. Ashamed to face those who know, avoiding social interaction with anyone below the rank of 'good friends'.

He's still the one that I'd always reply no matter what, when I happen to stray from everyone else. I'd do what I can to catch a glimpse of him on the way to/from work. Why why why!!! Why did I do all those things?!

The day when I left L's house, I knew I had to do it. I was overwhelmed with so much grief that I slept early. When I awoke in the middle of the night, everything was normal again. Until I remembered everything that was going on. Emotional pain felt like a physical one; so I forced myself to go back to sleep. Sleep turned out to be my escape. Being awake makes me feel things I don't want to feel. I haven't felt genuinely happy for a very long time. And I don't like to feel miserable.

S texted me a while back and I was glad for a moment, until I realised that he just wanted some help. Someone else contacted me too, but I feel nothing. I even missed out Khai's birthday party because I didn't want to be in crowds. I thought of any excuse I could think of to miss it. (but to be honest, I don't feel that bad because he inflicted more damage to my life than I have done to his)

So yup that's my life, just another day to get by;